Pleased to meet you

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Hi there, scouting the enemy, are we? This agile thing is spreading like the flu and the resources are starting to notice. Soon they’ll be out of control. We can’t have that, can we? Fret no more, this blog is here to rescue managers like you, who appreciate command and control. If you can’t win a war with a strategy, then it is not worth considering.

I will provide you with some handy tips to counter the agile movement before it gets out of hand. We don’t want to be fired, we want to be feared!

Here is what you can expect from yours truly in the coming installments:

  • Feature Toggle to Create Big Acceptance Test Chaos. Teach them that testing is done at the end of projects. Not before.
  • Retrospective protocol for finding the whining. Isolate and put fear into those whining resources.
  • Putting the fear factor into performance reviews. Performance reviews, got to love them. Such an opportunity!
  • Demotivating for the sake of obedience. This guy Pink, well, we don’t see eye to eye. We want people to work, period.
  • Reaching subordination through unstable teams. People tend to get together after a while, we risk mutiny!
  • A sword called salary ranking. Compare people against each other and single out those in the lower 10%. Yummi!
  • The whip and the WIP. Ok, so they think they can rest during work hours!? I’ll tell what to do with that WIP limit on that freaking board.
  • Heroes – how to use them for your purposes. Some create bugs during daytime and fix them heroically during deployment. Pure naturals, get them under your control and you have a powerful weapon.

Pleased to meet you! I hope to see you soon again. If it is a Friday – look for my wisdom here on this blog.

/Evil Coach

5 Comments

  • 1
    2013-01-26 - 13:18 | Permalink

    Haha! Looking forward to these posts.

  • 3
    2013-02-01 - 10:40 | Permalink

    This one is the best! 🙂

    Heroes – how to use them for your purposes. Some create bugs during daytime and fix them heroically during deployment. Pure naturals, get them under your control and you have a powerful weapon.

  • 4
    2013-02-01 - 13:44 | Permalink

    Good one..I will chip in with one to the above list

    People and Interactions over Processes and Tools – Tell them how they got it wrong. We have “processes” and “tools” that ensure people have interactions.

  • 5
    2013-02-01 - 17:51 | Permalink

    Muahhahaha – thank you! Excellent advice.

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