In my quest to expand my growing Evil Empire (oh you call it a company? you can’t handle the truth…) I finally found the right tool for the job. How long haven’t I been searching for a tool to finally bash in the heads of our obnoxious Agile people? The same ignorant hamsters who never seem to understand their own good (me!). Well, I finally found it. It’s SAFe. The guy who invented that name is a genious!
Who doesn’t want to be safe? Don’t say the question, taste it. I can see myself asking “who doesn’t wan’t to be safe” rhetorically at our next management meeting. When silence spreads… (who would dare to object) …I know I’ve got them by the balls. From this point on – resistance will be futile. SAFe is good in so many ways. It’s has a nice little drawing with everything a company wants. All the answers. But the best part is the SAFe guys got the whole thing wrong! They don’t know it, but SAFe is not for big companies, it’s for small and mid sized!
It’s the perfect way to turn small and innocent companies into docile little zombies. Imagine your CEO dropping off his kids to school accidentally bumping into other parents. “Yeah we run Safe, we are a company of scale. What about you?” Who would ever admit they ran a small company with a tiny process? Under the hood, behind buzzwords like “Agile” and “Lean” lies a creepy truth only a master can see. It’s a tool of power!
Let those small rats riddle around in meaningless iterations and see panic spread as managers scurry for new roles and positions, while you quietly take control over the important decisions. And when the whole house comes down, who is going to be there to save them? Me. Muhaha.. I’ve got my outsourcing plan ready.
I’ve made my call. I’m not going to send one or two process junkies to the training – heck, I’m going to send the whole management team!
Welcome to the honey pot. Resistance – is futile.