Agilist these days don’t recognize the true value of proper design. It takes a master to understand the subtle details that make your IT department’s self confidence melt away faster than ice in Schwarzenegger’s pants. It’s all about design. Interior design.
Who needs meetings? Meetings are for people who don’t know better. Smart people think. Brilliant people don’t give a shit. Meetings are waste – put ten people in a room and see your company funds melt away. A better use of meeting rooms is to make cubicles out of them. Install proper insulation and use them as punishing facilities for obstinate staff members. Nice.
Horses with blinders run fast
In horse racing horses wear blinders to run fast. Engineers work in the same way. Every desk needs proper blinders to avoid distractions and to discourage unnecessary communication. The important communication goes through you. Put your desk at the far end of the room on a podium, slightly raised above the ground floor. Watch those little hamsters spin their wheels!
Clutter confuses the mind, my motto is: a neat desk is a nice desk. Draw neat little lines around the mouse and keyboard on the desk to show where they should be placed. Where to put your banana? In the bin of course – it’s a workplace, not a restaurant.
Walls should be nicely painted and covered with art (think cheap, think IKEA). It helps you avoid messy unpolished whiteboards. If a team by any chance manages to keep a whiteboard hidden – check your emergency exits, that’s the most likely place where they’ll try to hide it.
Nail the desks to the floor to prevent spontaneous teamwork and watch your Agile anarchists cry out in vain. Instead enjoy the nice lines at your office and the subtle sound of efficiency – little fingers hammering those keyboards.
If all else fails – put the right decision in the right hands
Your architect and interior design department exists for a reason. They know design. Invite them for routine sweeps – compliment on the choice of lines, colors and awkward furniture. Make sure any change in the office space, such as additions of whiteboard is checked by interior design first. Ordering a designed glass whiteboard (which is the only thing they will approve) will always prove to be both costly and useless.
You know you’ve succeeded when you can nod and approve any change, knowing they will be effectively stopped by interior design later on.